Are We All Down In The D.U.M.P.s?

They say it’s the hope that kills you. At The Philadelphia Union I think we have found a fate worse than death. It’s not the hope that is killing us – it’s the hopelessness that is slowly draining all the joy.

As a Union fan (I am not going to enter into a tedious and pedantic semantic examination of the difference between a fan and a supporter – you can have that discussion with that drunk guy that parks near you who you are always a little worried about because he is going to drive home) it is hard not to feel all the bad emotions. Frustration, anger, despair… In fact it has gotten so bad that I have to wonder if we have collectively finally entered the stages of actual and for real clinical depression?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose clinical depression a patient must suffer from at least five of the following symptoms. So come and lie down on The Union Deux couch (all insurances accepted, even Obamacare) while I stroke my beard and ask you awkward questions about your relationship with your mother/father/lightsaber wielding ‘more-machine-than-man-now’ progenitor.

Symptom Union Based Example Y or N
Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty or tearful Literally every game this season (home opener doesn’t count as we were too numbed by Arctic temperatures to feel anything) Y
Significantly reduced interest or feeling no pleasure in activities Attendances down, large number of people not showing up despite having bought tickets, season ticket holders trying to give their tickets away, bickering and moaning in the stands Y
Fatigue or loss of energy Supporters are so beaten down that we were called out on national TV by a Speedo wearing narcissist for lack of energy from the stands Y
Restlessness or slowed behavior that can be observed by others The natives are most certainly restless and are slower to join in chants / pick up new ones Y
Insomnia or increased desire to sleep Would you stay up until midnight or later to watch this lot play a west coast road game on a school night? No… no you would not. Y
Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt Who doesn’t feel guilty buying the overpriced tat from the Union shop or the $10 beers, knowing that Sugarman is laughing all the way to the bank, putting little back into the team as he watches his initial investment increase 300% (and counting) Y
Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite Tailgating with your Union friends has been the only reason to go down to the stadium since last August. Kale salad and vitamin water ain’t on the menu so that XL replica shirt is starting to look tighter than Sugarman’s grip on his wallet. Y
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or a suicide attempt Okay, we’re getting a little dark with this one, but at least we can answer no to this one. Can’t we? N
At least 5 of above needed for clinical depression

Total number of ‘yes’ answers


Remember we only had to hit five out of the eight to qualify?  Well, the diagnosis is in, and it is hard to argue with such overwhelming evidence and, unlike our strikers’ finishing, it is clinical.

Maybe this also goes some way to explaining the perpetual Eeyor-like countenance of our head coach as he too seems to be suffering from being down in the DUMPs; Depression by Union’s Mindnumbing Performances. So feel free to print this article out and use it as a doctor’s note to give to your employer and take some much needed mental health days off work if you too have a case of the DUMPs.

Now, tell me about your father…

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